I wish that you could know my heart, and the way I feel
For doing what I've done.
As I know I haven't made the time
I ought to; and that thought, is something I mind.
There are battles I've fought,
Battles I've won,
And even then
The war isn't done.
And I've fought many dangers
I've known many fears
But have I ever fought
To keep you all here?
I'm sorry, I am
I truly am.
I should never have been
Such a good-looking sham.
I've said I care about you
And really, I do.
But actions beat words,
And so it isn't true.
Lately, it seems, I've been so morose
And sometimes I think
I ought to take the final dose.
(It's times like these
I'm glad we aren't so close.)
What it is, I don't know
But no longer can I row.
The troubled waters surge
And more I feel the urge
To sink beneath them low and lie
And no more breathe, and no more cry.
The birds above are calling my knell;
Into the dark of the grey sky I yell
Of secrets I can never tell
To someone I know, who knows my hell.
Do save me, someone,
Save me please.
Ere I begin to cease.
Knowing not why, knowing not how
I feel the dark come over me now.
When I was born, I never thought
That this was how it’d be.
I never knew that love was bought
By people I could never be.
The water is dark and cold and stone
And as much as I hate myself, I know
That this isn't the way I want to go.
This isn't the end I want to show.
For once I'd like to give people hope
And stay a few constant thoughts of rope.
I'd bring sunshine smiles and laughter true
Filling the room and the rafters, too.
The darkened water is calling me;
It tells me that I can be free
If only I will run into the sea
If only I will hug its deep.
I don't want to go,—I don't
But it won't let me go—it won't.
Just give me time to think and pray!
I'd like to see another day.
The night is waning
The dawn is straining
But somehow I'm still here complaining.
Now again it calls my name
And tells me that I don't have to be tame
That I don't have to be the same
Or continue to play this wicked game.
So tell me, you, whoever you are
Why should I not run into those arms?
And rest then and always with simple charm
Where my soul will nevermore come to be harmed.
I hear the swish and roar of waves
In the midst it still echoes my name
And for all I know, I will not be saved
As far as I know, I have never been craved.
The wind whips in my face
But I've never been in haste
To let my breath go to waste
Over such a thing as empty space.
Looking out at the sea
Reflected I see
The being who is supposed to be me
But for reasons can never truly be free.
I couldn't post this anywhere
Not anywhere but here.
I couldn't let that many hear
These dark and dismal fears.
The dark calls to me,
And if I can't be free
Why should I not go out to sea
And know no more this reality?